Discovering the Classics: Battletoads Review

When my brothers and I were just little kids, we weren’t into video games as much as other kids. Oh sure we had the Nintendo systems, but we were always out of the loop. None of our friends talked to us about video games, we didn’t read Nintendo Power, and we ended up having our parents pick out most of our games. So needless to say, we missed out on a lot of incredible games. Recently I’ve been going a bit nuts buying old games online and at thrift shops, and discovering and enjoying many of the classics I missed as a kid. And that is the inspiration for this new series simply known as “Discovering the Classics” Though the term “Discovering” should be taken a bit lightly. I certainly already knew a lot ABOUT these games what with online shows and video game forums, but this is my first time actually PLAYING them, and after all, there’s a huge difference between knowing about things, and actually experiencing them. So without further adieu, let’s talk about a classic NES title I’ve recently discovered.

Now If you were to ask me what my favourite video game genre is, I’d be quick to tell you that it’s 2D Platformers. So when the internet pretty much unanimously decides that a certain game is the hardest 2D Platformer ever, and quite possibly the hardest GAME ever, that certainly raises my interest. We are of course talking about Battletoads, a game so deviously difficult that even to this day, tales of its legendary difficulty scare people away from it. If Battletoads is in your NES collection, it shows you have some serious courage.

For those out of the loop, Battletoads was developed by Rare, and released for the NES in 1991. The game was a smash hit and was critically praised, but despite being a great game, not many people made it very far without the aid of a Game Genie. Why? Because the game is so ball busting, bone breaking, blood boiling, spirit smashing, soul shatteringly difficult, that people had to cheat just to even the odds. We’re talking one hit kills, insane speeds, unfair level layout, and enough trial and error to put the Lolo series to shame. And unlike other insanely difficult NES games like Castlevania or Ninja Gaiden, you only get three continues. That’s it. Lose them all, and it’s Game Over.

It’s interesting to note that the game was SO difficult that the game was actually severely altered when released in Japan, making it a much easier game. Out of curiosity I played the Japanese version, and I was surprised at just how much was changed. Level 8 is basically a joke compared to the North American version, and the snakes in Stage 6 are also ridiculously toned down, despite the North American version not even being all that difficult of a stage once you get the pattern down. Bottom line, the Japanese version is what I like to call “Baby’s First Battletoads”.

So on to the game. The story is long and needlessly complex, so I won’t go over it. Basically all you need to know is that one of your Toad pals and some Princess have been kidnapped by the Dark Queen, and it’s up to the remaining two Battletoads to rescue them. The Dark Queen basically exists to be a total jerk to you in-between levels, and make fun of you when you get a game over. So you could get all the way to stage 8 and get a game over, and she’ll STILL say “Is that the best you can do?!” Okay, that’s nice. I get REALLY far in one of the hardest games ever, yet the game STILL informs me that I suck. That’s like saying “Oh, you got all the gold medals in Kirby’s Dream Course? Well you STILL suck because you didn’t get a hole in one on every stage.

And if that’s not enough, one of your allies who looks like the secret child of Falco and Mother Goose from Mother Goose and Grimm, ALSO decides to tell you that you suck. After you get a Game Over he’ll say things like…

“I haven’t seen such a dismal failure since the LAST time you failed!”

Or…

“Okay, ‘Toads – You take a rest and I’ll call in the Battlehamsters!”

Look Mister. You’re my ally. You have NO RIGHT to tell me that I suck. You think I suck so much? Why don’t YOU go down and save the Princess! We’ll see how much better YOU do!

So anyways, the first level starts and you’re dropped onto the battlefield. The game is like a cross between a 2D Platformer and a classic Beat em up. You punch enemies and your fist enlarges. And when you kick people your foot turns into a giant boot. It’s kind of cool how despite the limitations of the NES, there’s a lot of personality in these characters. Like when you meet a boss your toad gets all bug eyed and his eyes pop out of his sockets. It’s actually something Rare used again in Donkey Kong Country 2. There’s some neat little trivia for you.

Now while the basic mechanics are a beat em up along with platforming, most of the levels have a completely different set up. In one level you’re falling down a hole, in another you’re riding on hover bikes, in another you’re riding on snakes kind of like in Super Mario World, and in another you’re flying in an airplane. It’s one of the defining features of the game. Variety. As soon as you get to a new level, you basically have to completely re-learn the game. It’s cool, but that unfortunately means you’ll get a LOT of Game overs, and have to play the game all over again just to practice the level you’re stuck on. That wouldn’t be such a problem if not for Stage 3, The Turbo Tunnel.

Yes, when people talk about Battletoads, the topic VERY quickly turns to the Turbo Tunnel. This stage haunted everyone who played it as its insane difficulty drove many people to either cheat or just give up. It’s all about speed, memorization, and reaction time. Anything other than complete memorization will result in death. Once you get the stage memorized it isn’t a huge problem, but the final part with the ridiculously fast walls is basically just luck at its worst. And if you die at that part, chances are you good you won’t make it past it as you’ve lost the rhythm of the stage, and thus will just continue to crash. In a sense, you’ve lost your groove.

Now as evil as this stage is, there’s a really funny thing about it. If you hit a wall, you go sailing. However when you hit the poles for your checkpoints, you’re perfectly fine. The two funny things about this is when someone is watching you play and has never seen it, their reaction to you hitting the checkpoint is always funny as it startles them. The other funny thing is that, well, shouldn’t their heads have been completely lobbed off by this? I mean, are you telling me that running into a wall can send you sailing forward, but hitting a giant horizontal pole at high speeds wouldn’t cause some sort of dismemberment?

Well anyways, if you can get past the Turbo Tunnel with your head still attached, give yourself a pat on the back. Even if you don’t beat the rest of the game, that’s quite the accomplishment on its own.

Now one thing I think we all know about is the frustrations of playing the game with a second player. While it’s nice to have a second player to help you beat up the bad guys, even if you do often end up hitting each other, the rest of the times having a second player is a major crutch. Everything in the game requires an insane amount of precision, but with two toads, there’s even LESS room for error. Because of this, it actually makes it easier to just play by yourself. Having the second player die wouldn’t ordinarily be such a big problem, but Battletoads is special. Unlike other two-player co-op games like Chip and Dale, when one player loses all their lives, the other player doesn’t get to keep playing. You both have to restart the level, no matter how many lives the other player has left. And just to make things even worse, when you restart the level, the player who DIDN’T die doesn’t get their lives replenished. However the worst part about playing with a second player is that one of the levels actually doesn’t function properly. In stage 11 the second player loses all control, and thus instantly gets killed by the swirly ball of death that chases you. It is literally impossible to beat the game with two players unless you get a game over in stage 11, and have the second player sit out until stage 12. That’s really poor programming.

So in the end, what’s the verdict on Battletoads? Well while it IS a very hard game that you more than likely will never beat, (I’ve had the game for two weeks and still can’t get past stage 9) that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. It’s got good variety, intense Gameplay, fantastic visuals, an incredible sense of satisfaction every time you beat a level for the first time, and all around, it’s a really fun game. It’s strange how even after you get your butt kicked into next Tuesday, and you’re sitting there slouching in your chair in total defeat, there’s still that strange sense of fun about the whole experience. In a day and age where games are taking it easy on difficulty, it’s strangely satisfying to play a game that will stomp all over you and spit on your trampled remains. I say check it out. If you get past the frustrations, you’ll most certainly have a good time with it.